Would You Like An Apple?

Nip/Tuck, Season 5, Episode 5

I’ve only finished one recap this season. I have three saved drafts. Sorry.

Last week, Sean humped his nurse and gave her a nose job to keep quiet. Really. And Christian got lipo from AC Slater.

This week’s theme, kids: TEMPTATION. With a side of Good vs. Evil.

Okay, Christian just deleted Slutty Nurse’s number from Sean’s phone. To help him avoid temptation. That was PURE fiction. I know this because guys NEVER delete numbers from their phones. Really, I’ve gotten calls months later from guys who went out of their way to avoid me after one date. That, and most guys are bad about withstanding temptation when it involves women, no matter their intentions. Hello, Book of Genesis?

Melissa Gilbert is the guest star of the week. In trying to separate a dog fight, she got her right nipple bitten off. And her husband is coming back from Iraq (I almost typed “New York” and why, who knows…) and hates the dog, so she needs plastic surgery to restore the nipple and make it seem like it never happened.

Liz and Christian are play fighting over Sanaa. And Liz has a rabbit vibrator. Christian volunteers to help her pick up women. Oh, there’s a lesbian threesome on the horizon, I can sense it. That, and subtlety isn’t a strong point on this show, so you can see it coming from a zillion miles away.

Best lines of the night belong to Christian and Liz: “What a shame, all these great vaginas wasted on other vaginas.” “Relax, we’re here to find me the vagina of my dreams.”

A girl (deemed a “10″ by Liz, who says she, herself, is only a “6″) sent Liz a drink, told off Christian and called him gay. It was a rough night for him.

You know that urban legend where the guy picks up the hot girl in the bar and goes home with her and he wakes up in a tub full of ice and realizes he’s missing a kidney? That happened to Liz, except she woke up with her phone taped to her hand and numb with an icepack on her back and a small incision. At least the 10 called the paramedics. Oh temptation, thy name is nephrectomy.

Sanaa got to help Christian perform a surgery. Her storyline, aside from Christian trying to bed her, is irrelevant, in my opinion. And where has J.R. Ewing been all these weeks? He had testicle implants, not bionic man surgery.

Sean was going to fire Little Manny, but then he caught on that Sean was humping Slutty Nurse. Emotional blackmail, thy name is Little Manny.

The music tonight, if you cared, was sponsored, exclusively, by Heinekin. Just so you know. Heiniken. Which is right? I don’t care.

Apparently Melissa Gilbert’s character likes to let her pit bull lick peanut butter off of her boobs. That’s why her dog bit off her nipple, if you were wondering. Honestly, I never saw that one coming. Wowza. Neither did Christian. So, her husband killed the dog and brought him to her in the doctor’s office, IN A DUFFLE BAG.

Really, I can’t make this stuff up.

So, let’s see…we have a living urban legend, a fatal attraction-type scenario, a blackmailing midget male nurse and a lady who seduces her dog with peanut butter in exchange for sexual favors. Temptation comes in many forms, not just fruit from trees of knowledge. This is like a Where’s Waldo picture, finding all of the temptation aftermaths. If only consequences wore red and white striped shirts.

Lest we not get enough, Sean went to Slutty Nurse’s house and ate pot brownies, listened to bad 80’s music while she sort of stripped/danced/gyrated. I wonder if she’ll harvest his kidney.

But there was a very bizarre struggle for Sean’s conscience and the angel won and he went home to be with Julia. Oh, no good can come of that decision.

Oh, this episode had too much. Apparently Sanaa used to be an escort. And her lover lady rescued her from a life as a hooker and paid for her to go to med school, eh, I give up. And Christian got him some Sanaa.

And you’ll have to excuse me, as I’m choking on the visual imagery of the mural Little Manny painted on Cone-R’s (as Julia pronounces it) wall; the one of Adam taking the apple from Eve, in the Garden of Eden. Perfection, before the fall. [A painting somewhat inaccurate, since they didn't cover themselves until after eating the fruit, not before.]

Can’t Live With ‘Em, Can’t Shoot ‘Em…

Standoff, Season 1, Episode 4

This week, Matty and Emily fought about him trying to protect her. And there was a bank robbery ring thing happening in Santa Barbara.

This week, Emily got taken hostage by a pregnant lady who was in cahoots (hee) with the robber and Matty flipped out. And the bad guys got away. Matty and Emily got in trouble with Cheryl for being too emotionally involved. *sigh* I won’t even touch that.

Yes I will. When did emotional involvement become a bad thing? Ugh.

Anyway, of course Emily figured out the missing component in the whole ordeal. In all honesty, I didn’t pay too close attention. I’m in a bad mood today, as I have been for most of the week…month, whatever, so my attention span isn’t what it should be.

Emily, in a very roundabout way, told Matty she loved him. Oh, the relationship is over now. Guys hate to hear that. Blah blah blah.

Ron Livingston is so cute. I wish he were my boyfriend. Is he single? How old is he? He’s 38. I can go there. But, he’s engaged. Of course.

Whatever. It’s time for Nip/Tuck.

Where You Lead, I Will Follow

Gilmore Girls, Season 7, Episode 1

Last season, on the WB…Lorelai wanted to marry Luke and then didn’t and then did and then got jealous of his newfound child and then in a fit of rage, had sex with Christopher. And Rory got sad because Logan was shipped off to London.

So, we opened, this season on the CW, with Lorelai trying to leave Christopher’s bed without him noticing. He did, and she left anyway. And Rory had a rocketship in a box waiting for her. You’re confused? Me, too. And so was she.

Paris is back! Hee. And better than ever! Oh, how I’ve missed one Paris Gellar.

Michel and Sookie arm wrestled. That was funny. Sookie opened up a can of whoopass on him.

I’m not sure how I feel about the CW, as a network. Everything has this sort of grimy look about it. Like how UPN did. Like how CBS does. Blah. But, I love Gilmore Girls, so I’ll stick around for the (probable, unless the fate of 7th Heaven is any indication) last season just to see how things wrap up in Stars Hollow.

Luke is still angry and a curmudgeon. And Taylor is still a nosy parker busybody. And Kirk has another job, but I don’t know what it is, except that he wears an orange vest.

Apparently there’s some inside joke behind the rocket ship. Except Rory doesn’t get it.

In other news, Kirk crashed a vintage Thunderbird into Luke’s diner. Seriously.

And Christopher? He’s still in love with Lorelai.

Live From New York, I Mean, L.A.

Studio 60 On the Sunset Strip, Season 1, Episode 2

You know what? I don’t see this show lasting long, ratings-wise. I see NBS, I mean NBC, keeping it, just because it’s Aaron Sorkin. And I see a lot of people pretending to care for the same reason, but I don’t foresee anyone really watching it. I know it’s halfway through and I have no idea what has happened. Except that Jordan (Amanda Peet) is so smug, her face just might freeze in a perma-smirk.

Harriet (Sarah Paulson) and Matt had a fight because she found out he has a new girlfriend. Really, you dumped him via email, what did you expect? And really, as someone who’s been broken up with via email twice (I know, at least they were three years apart), it sucks. It’s very insulting. At least one of them apologized the next day. The other disappeared. So did the other, eventually, but that’s neither here nor there.

Studio 60 (the fictional show, this really could get very confusing), lost the Terre Haute, IN market because of the sketch in question from last week. I’m also trying to figure out what D.L. Hughley does on this show. Other than warm up the audiences on Fridays. I think he does this. He’s like the Tim Meadows character. The token black dude and the castmember who’s been around for-freaking-ever.

On an unrelated note, I wish I could find my dental floss. I have something stuck in my teeth and I’d like to floss it out.

Matt’s in love with Harriet, but too big of a wuss to admit it. Typical. And, he does the same thing I do; sort of think ahead, mentally travel in time. I am so rarely in the moment that is actually happening, like right now when I’m allegedly watching this show, but really, I’m thinking about what the 11pm episode of Futurama will be on [adult swim]. And the fact that I said goodnight to a fish. Where most women my age say goodnight to their husband or boyfriend, I said it to my fish.

I digress.

The Pirates of Penzance opening number was a nice touch, though.

The Wind Beneath My Wings

Heroes, Season 1, Episode 1

So, this show kind of sucked at the beginning. And then it blew.

And then I got interested. Somewhere, somehow. Maybe it was seeing Jess, I mean, Milo, back on TV. And wondering why wardrobe hasn’t made him get a haircut. Or maybe it was seeing Ali Larter try to act, playing a mother/Internet porn queen.

But I think the moment that sealed the deal was the YouTube reference (which just might signify the beginning of the end of the trend for the video site), that was so subtle, it might have gone unnoticed if I hadn’t looked up at the moment it happened. Remember the two Chinese boys who lipsynched their way into our hearts last summer? In the Japan scene (there’s a Japanese guy who thinks he can bend the time/space continuum), Time Guy and his coworkers went to karaoke and who was on stage? You got it. It was perfect. Watch the encore tomorrow just for that scene.

Oh, and Jess can fly. And so can his self-important politician brother. Who knew?

Rain, Wash Away the Troubles

Desperate Housewives, Season 3, Episode 1

Last season…Mike got run over by Bree’s newest creepy suitor. While Susan waited for him to propose to her. The creepy suitor happens to be a dentist friend of Susan’s. And he killed his wife who was going to escape from him one day.

And, Laurie Metcalf is back on TV! Yay, Aunt Jackie!

Apparently Orson (creepy dentist guy, who shall always be known as Trey McDougal) doesn’t like to be contradicted by anyone. Even a parrot.

Gabrielle was divorcing Carlos. You know, because he started humping their maid/surrogate. Lynette was buddying up to Tom’s illegitimate daughter but hating her mother. Susan found out about Mike being in the hospital. Edie was trying to sell Mary Alice’s old house.

Anyway, now you know what happened between last May and now. Because you cared.

Best potentially racist moment of the night belongs to Gabrielle. The line? “Tell it to my Chinese friend…Sue me!” Ha.

Bree got ANOTHER proposal. Six months of dating and she’s got a ring from creepy Trey. Six months! Maybe if I could manage to date a guy for six months, I might get a proposal. Probably not, though, since a guy would get scared and start acting stupid and tell me crap about him having a bad day but that being ALL he says, not elaborating on said bad day. And really, how bad a day is it where you can’t pick up the phone and call someone and say, “Hey, it’s a crappy day, do you mind if we reschedule our plans for another day?” instead of just not calling and then claiming later he was waiting for a call from me. Right. And I know– would I really want a proposal from a creepy wife-killer? No. But the thought would be nice, wouldn’t it? So, yeah.

Susan met a guy in the coma ward. He eventually asked her on a date. She wanted to go, but felt sort of guilty. You know, Mike being in a coma and all.

In other news, Bree had her first orgasm. Too bad you missed that series of events, it was pretty funny. Although I’m sure you’ve seen that on YouTube somewhere. I tried to link up, but I couldn’t find it. In all fairness, I didn’t try too hard.

The rain thing featured at the beginning of the episode was, I assume, the writers’ attempt to shove the baptism imagery down our throats. Hey writers? We got it. Maybe next time give us a little bit of credit and err on the side of subtlety. Thanks.

I’m not sure what became of Aunt Jackie, either. Or Bree’s daughter. Actually, we only saw Lynette’s kids twice. Are all of the kids going to go the way of Charlie Cunningham, Judy Winslow and Caitlin Cooper? We can only hope.

Geezer FM

Celebrity Duets, Season 1, Episode 4

Last week, Carly got sent home. And my Hal was in the bottom two, WHY? Ugh.

Jai kicked things off with what I hope will be the gayest moment on TV this week. He sang “Lady Marmalade” with Patti LaBelle. There were a lot of background vocals used. And he was dressed like a Britney Spears wardrobe change from her “Hit Me Baby, One More Time” days. Except pants instead of a skirt. So, I guess he was really dressed like Justin Timbersnake. Patti was pretty awesome, too. I like it when Patti’s on Oprah and Martha. David liked it for a singing actor. Marie’s obnoxious, but she liked it. I think Little Richard liked it as well. He screamed like a white lady.

Lucy got to sing with Richard “Right Here Waiting For You” Marx. When this song came out, I was a wee pre-teen, crushing on some loser boy and wishing he’d call and ask me to hang out at the mall with him. We might hold hands. Or he’d send me a note. None of that happened, until my adult life, of course. Really, the only difference between my adult dating life and the dating life I imagined as a tween/teen is the fact that we have drivers’ licenses and we can buy alcohol legally. And our parents don’t come along. But I never had a date where my parents came along because I didn’t start dating until I was 17. So, yeah. Anyway, Lucy hit a warbly note in the middle. It was unfortunate. Otherwise, a nice performance. Marie said Lucy was like Marilyn Monroe and she should be more intimate onstage with Richard. So, when Lucy has sex with someone during her song next week, you know why. Richard said, “The beauty is still on duty.” David liked it as well. In a non-skeevy way.

My boyfriend, Hal, sang with Dee Snyder this week. They screamed “We’re Not Gonna Take It.” He was in heaven. I guess he figured if he was going to sink, he’d go down on the most awesome ship he could find.

Number 183

My Name Is Earl, Season 2, Episode 1

Earl began this season just as episodes 3-whatever began last season. A little framework and then Earl got down to the latest item on his list.

This week, Earl’s task was taking Joy’s side in an argument. He agreed with her when she argued with Darnell that he’d never thrown her a surprise party. In the midst of the surprise party argument, Joy also wanted a disappearing television (like Britney and Kevin have, you know), and when it didn’t fit in the trailer, she tried to return it to the Bargain Bag. They wouldn’t take it, of course, so Joy stole a truck to get her $3,000 back.

Lost, yeah? It doesn’t matter.

What makes Earl pretty awesome is Jaime Pressly’s character, Joy. She’s so awesomely over the top, you have to watch the show just to see what she’s going to do or hear what she will say next.

Interestingly enough, I read an article this morning in USA Today about Jaime. In it, she mentioned how she’s glad she’s being recognized for her acting abilities and not being typecast in white trash roles anymore.

Um…okay.

But really, who in Hollywood plays white trash better than Jaime Pressly? Exactly.

Matt and Emily’s Second Date

Standoff, Season 1, Episode 3

Matt and Emily are an official couple now. Squee! I’m a little envious of a fictional character right now. I wonder if there’s a way to quantify pathetic…

Emily felt a little like an outsider during a post-work happy hour. She didn’t know Mattycakes was afraid of dogs. Cheryl knew, though. Oops. Matty quickly informs Emily that they never hooked up. Really, she wasn’t asking. He takes it further by admitting he thinks Cheryl is hot. Oh, Matty.

Anyway, this week we were treated to a Thai version of that movie, Ransom. Complete with voice disguiser and the token, “We have your daughter[son]” line. Someone kidnapped the 10-year old daughter of a crime boss. He, officially, owns a chain of laundromats. Wifey is trying to do what she can to get the daughter back but hubby is shady. Turns out the money’s not his. So they, you know, can’t negotiate with the high numbers the kidnapper’s demanding. Oops. He wants $12.2 million. That’s a lot of money. Leah, the ninja researchess, is trying to de-scramble the voice.

And, of course, Emily sees something not quite right with the whole thing. The kindapper, he’s too good. Calm, educated, etc. Emily’s right, of course. There’s this great sequence of the negotiation team outling the strategy, intertwined with the kidnappers outlining their strategy.

And then Ray, the jealous surveillance case guy who’s been watching David Lao, comes in and busts up the negotiation. Oops. What a weiner.

Anyway, it all ended up happily. Well, they got the girl back. I guess it wasn’t too happy for everyone involved. But who cares, since these people are fictional.

Great Expectations

Studio 60 On the Sunset Strip, Season 1, Episode 1

Did you know you can Netflix this episode? You can.

I’m going to kind of do this commentary as the show airs, so hey, a little something different for you. Yay.

So far, I like that this show is more Sports Night and less The West Wing. I know a lot of people loved TWW and obviously not so many loved SN, but TWW was just too pretentious for network television.

I also like that Felicity Huffman has a cameo in this episode. You’ll remember her as Dana on Sports Night (while knowing her as Lynette on Desperate Housewives).

Well, I liked it until the Lorne Michaels character began his rant about the lobotomization of America by the broadcasting networks. If you were looking for the pretense, there it is.

Amanda Peet plays Jordan. Apparently she’s some awesome TV exec type. Too bad the meltdown happened on her first day as network president. She’s too nice for television.

Anyway, after they fired *Lorne* (I think his character’s name is Wes, but who cares, he just got fired), they needed a new exec producer and head writer for Studio 60. Jordan argued with Steven Weber about hiring Danny and Matt. You know, Bradley Whitford and Matthew Perry. The reason why a lot of people are even bothering to watch this show.

Amanda Peet looks like she wants to bust out laughing in every “serious” scene. She did during one. But I think that was in the script.

Matt (Mattycakes Perry) is still kind of bitter about his breakup with a castmember of Studio 60. Something about a Dodger game and the national anthem.

Oh, he broke up with Sarah Paulson’s character. She’s one of the Big Three, apparently. They probably broke up because she’s a lesbian in real life. Or because her character is ultra-conservative and also a gospel singer? What? I don’t know. It was destined to be doomed.

Okay, I’m 30 minutes invested in this show and I’ve decided a couple of things: 1. it needs to be a 30-minute dramedy, not an hour-long show and 2. it is WAY too random for a pilot episode. Aaron Sorkin is a lot like a friend of mine–he starts stories in the middle and they involve this whole network of people and you feel like you’ve arrived at a swim meet halfway through a race and you have to just jump in and catch up, except you manage to swallow a lot of water and just make a mess trying to catch up. That is what watching this show feels like–like I’m watching a mixed metaphor. A giant, hour-long mixed metaphor.

More details, Danny (Bradley Whitford) has a coke habit. He and Matt can’t make their movie because he needs 18 months of clean drug tests to get bonded for movie insurance. So, they have two years to go back to their old jobs and save a sinking ship.

I stayed for the hour.

Overall, I think it maybe tried a bit too hard. Aaron, people will watch the shows you and Tommy Schlamme make. You might lose some of your TWW audience, but you’ll regain some of the SN fans. Really.

But, you’re going to have to tone down the pretense if you want people to stay awake late enough to watch your show.