[Yawn.]

Answer: Britney with the volume turned down.

Question: How was the opening act for the VMA’s?

I’m a little bit [disappointed, miffed, bummed, bored] by her performance. My pseudo-boyfriend stepped in the room to take a peek after hearing the music. His comment? “It’s like she forgot how to dance.”

Exactly. I couldn’t have said it better myself. Was she trying to keep her wig on her head? Was she mad at the VMA’s and decided to make a mockery of them? Was she bored? And, while she looks great, especially for having two kids under the age of two, but she should not be wearing a black and glittery bikini-thing. She just doesn’t have the figure for it right now. She was obviously lipsyncing, and pretty much stopped moving her lips about halfway through the song.

Britney, you can do better. Remember the python dance? The Madonna kiss? The faux-strip show? Those were GREAT performances. Are you tired? Get some rest, Britney, you’re too young to be burned out already. Take a few years off to get the kids old enough for school and settle the divorce and figure out what you want to do with yourself. Or, start saving money and live off of royalties for the rest of your life. You can do it. What you cannot afford, is another public humiliation. If you need to be a hot mess, go somewhere remote and just be a hot mess for a little while. It’s okay.

Some other items of business:

John Norris – Stop it! Just age, for crying out loud! Maybe get a job at a new network, one where you can dress like the 40-something you are, instead of the 40-something trying to be 16.

Suchin Pak – Follow the footsteps of Martha Quinn and Tabitha Soren. Go get a real journalism job. You’re well-spoken and pretty, you can get a real job.

Beyonce – Stop wearing your mom’s designs. Stick to Cavalli.

Adam Levine – Sleeves. Wear them. You were crazy-hot in the video for “Harder To Breathe.” Go back to that look.

Fifty Cent – You clean up nice. That’s the look you need to go for all the time. Ask Luda for the number of his stylist.

Kanye – The tux was not necessary. And, you are so much shorter than Fifty. Who knew? At least you got beat by your main competition for Best or Biggest Male Artist (Justin Timberlake won).

Sarah Silverman – How do you not get beat up? You’re hilarious, but so wrong. And we expect nothing less from you. But seriously, I worry for your personal safety sometimes. Britney might smack a bitch.

Rhianna – I’m not a fan. But, Umber-ella-ella-ella is growing on me. But, you put on a good stage show tonight. I still like Mandy Moore’s cover better, though.

Chris Brown – I was okay with the minstrel show and the random Rhianna break in your performance. But the crotch-grabbing tribute to Michael Jackson = TOO MUCH. And not in a good way. Apparently I’m in the minority, because the crowd went wild. Whatever.

Timbaland – Nice of you to accept Justin’s award on his behalf. While standing next to him.

Cee-Lo – Being a high school dropout is not something for which you should be proud. Nor is it something you need to publicize to an audience of high school students.

I’m obviously older than the target demographic for this show. However, shouldn’t I be watching it and saying things like, “This show is making me tired” or “There’s too much happening at once!”? Instead, I’m wondering when the excitement will begin.